September 13, 2014

Silences

by christine magpayo
original background photo from www.carolyncochrane.com

original background photo from http://www.carolyncochrane.com

I have known three kinds of silences:

There’s the kind that’s hardly noticed—
quickly passing,
and oblivious to its own existence.
Perhaps when we were strangers,
before we met,
before we happened,
our shadows have long been acquainted
in the common streets and crossroads
where we just kept missing on each other.
It was the type of silence
that’s empty and meaningless,
but one that didn’t matter.

And then

there’s the kind that feels like home—
safe and knowing,
as in a miracle, as if a dream.
It was what we had, what we shared
Before the end,
Before we parted.
We were each other’s favorite hiding place.
There was no need for excuses;
forgiveness preceded apologies.
It was the type of silence
you’d always want to have and keep,
but unfortunately you can’t.

And then

there’s the kind that is wounding—
it cuts and probes,
leaving you helpless and vulnerable.
What else do you expect to hear
before you heal,
before you come good?
Sometimes the quiet brings in all the noise,
asking questions like “Why did you give up?”
“What if you can have it back?”

It is the type of silence
that stays and lingers and haunts
for what usually hurts, lasts.

August 31, 2014

When I Grew Up

by christine magpayo

original background photo from backgroundsnshit.tumblr.com

original background photo from backgroundsnshit.tumblr.com

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Every child has been asked this question countless of times and I was no exception. I remember having different answers with innocent reasons.

  1. Professional pianist because it’s classy.
  2. Detective because I definitely would love the thrill of it.
  3. TV host because you get to go to different places and experience so many things for free.
  4. Lawyer because you can sound right all the time and almost everyone believes you.
  5. Doctor because I want to help other people feel better.

Apparently I am nowhere near becoming any of those. And that’s okay. As I grew older I figured I didn’t want to be one person all my life. Just the thought of it alone came off as tedious. So I decided to be someone who writes. Not a writer, just someone who writes. Oftentimes I’m an average girl sharing her worldviews in a personal blog only a couple of people care about; sometimes I turn into wild creatures living only in between once upon a time and happily ever after; other times I find myself being so many beautiful and ugly things stuck in rhymes and meters and verses. It was then that I realized that if you can write, you can really be anything and everything you want.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m already a grown up and I honestly still could not answer this simple question. Maybe I don’t want to be something; maybe I just want to do something, that is, to write. There are five reasons I want to be someone who writes:

  1. because it’s classy.
  2. because I definitely would love the thrill of it.
  3. because you get to go to different places and experience so many things for free.
  4. because you can sound right all the time and almost everyone believes you.
  5. because I want to help other people feel better.

Lately a number of friends and family members keep asking me what I plan to do after finishing my thesis and graduating college. I just give everyone the classic shrug.

But deep down I know.
I’ve always known.

August 12, 2014

Random Confession #2

by christine magpayo

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Artists have always been my favorite childhood heroes. I mean, they save us in ways we never thought we needed to be saved. Now I realize maybe heroes also needed saving; maybe the whole act of courage and bravery is just too good to be true, thus superficial. This is really heartbreaking. Oh captain my captain, thank you for always and everything. I promise never to lose this spark of madness. Carpe diem. #RIPRobinWilliams

July 22, 2014

Random Confession #1

by christine magpayo

 

For the most part I think I’m okay, happy even. But every so often, this artist inside of me brings about soul-wrenching pains I couldn’t quite heal.

To be honest, I like it when something inside of me breaks. It makes me bleed words that are yet to make sense. And then I feel better. Or at least I manage to convince myself that I do.

July 3, 2014

P.A.U.S.E. (When Work Becomes Mundane)

by christine magpayo

 

photo from fullybookedup.blogspot.com

photo from fullybookedup.blogspot.com

If you really become what you do, then you could only wish you’re always up for something new and fun and exciting. But here’s a quick reality check: you oftentimes find yourself stuck in routines from quick morning rituals to boring workloads to lifeless evenings and the cycle repeats for most weekdays until soon enough you’re sick of yourself and everyone else and then you start blaming the whole universe for ever existing.

The good news is this: happiness is always a choice.

Your work does not define you; your attitude towards it does. Of course nobody expects you to stay forever in love with your job just as nobody expects you to stay madly in love with your romantic partner for the rest of your life. That is downright impossible. The point is “the honeymoon stage” doesn’t really last long. Nevertheless, it is our ability to stick to what we have chosen to commit to that matters— despite the unnoticed efforts, despite the unwarranted sacrifices, despite the feeling of constant loss.

Needless to say, it’s almost always easier to give up than to hold on. But easy isn’t always right. There’s this saying that “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.” So when you can’t find any reason to go on, make one. If it’s difficult, don’t quit just yet. Take time to pause. P-A-U-S-E. Pause. And I mean that in both the literal and acronymical sense (and yes, acronymical is a word).


P

Pay back and pay forward. Remember how much your parents have done so much just to give you a good life? Why not treat them out to dinner and spend some time having real talk? You know, conversations that members of the family should really share but couldn’t because of some physical and emotional distance. I think the most precious kind of paying back is not through helping pay the bills, rather, making your family feel loved and remembered in spite of the busy schedule. Catch up on each other’s lives cause it’s one of the things we all won’t admit that we need. Pay back in the most beautiful way possible.

And pay forward too. Maybe you owe something to someone like a bill you borrowed from your high school friend which you forgot to pay years ago. Just return the favor to a hungry street kid or a weak, old vendor. Do something good for someone you don’t know and realize that you are way more blessed than so many others.


A

Allow mistakes and failures to happen. Don’t dare try to be perfect because 1) you can’t and 2) it’s not going to be worth the trouble. Be open to vulnerabilities. Risk as much as you can. There is no such a thing as make or break. Believe only in make or make better. Danger lies in your comfort zone because it is the place that will always prevent you from being the best you could be. Get up and move away from there. You are meant for greater things.


U

Use some “me time.” A little craziness won’t hurt. Write to yourself, talk to yourself, hell date yourself! Take some time thinking why you’re doing what you’re doing and how long you plan to do it. Watch movies and read books of various genre and do that alone so you can find out what your soft spots are. Travel to far places on your own and discover what makes you happy. Find inner peace by understanding all of yourself. Your truest self deserves to be loved by yourself.


S

Seek new loves. Go on a mountain hiking date. Download new crazy games and apps in the PlayStore. Learn an instrument. Enrol in dance class. Try something you haven’t done before, something you never imagined yourself getting into. Sometimes you wouldn’t know what could make you happy unless you give it a chance to.


E

Emphasize the good in every day. Even when the weather would not cooperate with your plans, even when your boss becomes extra bossy, just remain positive. Resist the urge to throw all the things on your desk or to slap someone in the face. Bad attracts bad. Just thank God you’re alive. Be somebody’s miracle by being you’re own miracle first.

 

When the job becomes mundane, remember that there is so much more to life than work. The best way to love your job and stay truly committed to it is by not letting your whole life revolve around it.

You can’t love something fully if you feel like it doesn’t make you whole. And so the only way to appreciate something completely is if you allow it to be part of the things that complete you.

If you really become what you do, then choose to do more and to do better.
Because you can.

***

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